Weekly Q&A
It’s very difficult to get to know anyone till you live with them. With marriage, it’s complicated because if you’re trapped in the relationship even if you find out you’re not as compatible as you thought. So, isn’t it better to live with the person first so you don’t make a big mistake?
These days marriages are not the bedrock of stability they once were. While it was normal to have parents and grandparents who continued faithfully together, today, it is anything but that. Couples are no longer staying married for life, but usually divorce as quickly as they got hitched in the first place. Some choose not to marry, but instead live together as ‘partners’ and even have children together, but they usually fall by the wayside.
Given that scenario, I can understand wanting to be more sure about the one we’d want to marry, but I think the question betrays a more basic inconsistency.
The only real important compatibility a Christian ought to know is whether the person we’re desiring to marry is a Christian — that is, a Christian not by name but by belief (2 Corinthians 6:14). Apart from that, there are some other fairly serious issues with this approach of cohabiting before marriage:
Apart from the already quoted command to not be in a marital union with an unbeliever (which, by logic, should already rule out the option of living together), to be in a relationship as intimate as living together is to commit the act of fornication. What did you say? You only meant by ‘living together’ that you would be sharing an apartment and not a bed? Oh, I was aware of that but the reality is that living with a person of the opposite sex is as safe as lighting an open flame next to fuel. It will ignite and burn the whole house down (and destroy your lives too!). The apostle Paul tells us that fornicators and the sexual immoral “will not enter the kingdom of heaven” (1 Corinthians 6:9). Also, in 1 Thessalonians 5:22, we are commanded to stay away from any form of evil — or, as the KJV phrases it, any appearance of evil. Let’s be careful not to misrepresent the God we serve to a constantly watching world.
God’s purpose for man and woman is to come together (Genesis 2:24) to form a lifelong bond in marriage (Mark 10:9) and not a temporary arrangement. Live-in relationships say that God’s way of marriage is not good enough for us. Such human wisdom would be going beyond what He said was good to what He has condemned. It speaks to our lack of faith in a good God whose grace is more powerful than our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). Do you not trust your God to strengthen your marriage? To make your compatibility not to each other but to Christ? (2 Corinthians 3:18).
Statistical studies clearly show the direct link between living together and an increased risk of separation/divorce, not to mention the risk of introducing children into such relationships that adds an additional layer of burden that a temporary/trial relationship usually cannot handle. Physical attraction is so natural and powerful that God instituted marriage as a means to protect the relationship and any children from destructive consequences.
It is usually the women and children who suffer the most from broken families, multiple partners and blended families that result from following the cohabitation lifestyle. When marriage is not honoured, cherished and protected, it leads to all forms of social evils such as abortion (unwanted children), child abuse (at the hands of abusive step parents and, sometimes, even own parents who are in relationships for reasons other than marriage) and physical abuse. Ever wondered why abortion is so sacred today? It must exist in order to deal with the biological consequences of extramarital acts that come with promoting sinful sexual behaviour.
The wrongness with live-in relationships is that it does not value as sacred what God deems to be sacred. It reduces the spiritual significance of physical, emotional and practical joining of two lives together into a form of temporary arrangement that never ultimately provides what both parties wanted: trust and stability. The union between a man and a woman is so sacred that God demands we make a covenantal promise! And we know that a covenantal promise is what everyone expects, because of how people react to being broken up after living together for a while. We know it’s not the same as other forms of ‘relationships’. Deep in our hearts, we know that living together and building a family together is what a union is meant to be.
For Christians, the call is even more profound than a marriage between unbelievers which is also sacred (Hebrews 13:4). Once you are engaged to a Christian, you should trust God in your marriage decision and once married, follow the command to love our spouses and live in service to one another, forgiving our mutual incompatibilities.
Let’s make decisions that God has charged us with (2 Corinthians 6:14) and trust that He will care for us and our spouses, for we know that our marriages are ultimately from Him (Matthew 19:6) and for Him (Ephesians 5:31-32).
Raised in the Middle East, now living in Melbourne, Australia, Godly John is married with one son. A former agnostic, he is now involved in lay teaching ministries at his local church, and loves thinking about the intersection between reformed theology, philosophy, culture and ethics.
Universal peace has never existed at any point in history. And yet, we are struggling to understand and respond to the situation in Ukraine
Transparency is important in any marriage. It goes hand-in-hand with trust. But how much should one divulge before one ties the knot?
A weekly brief of new resources and Scripture-based insights from our editorial team.